Redefining Language- Page 2 0f 4

Can’t- I frequently have people tell me that they “can’t” do something. It is very rarely true. What is more often true is that they don’t want to do the thing. Saying, “can’t”, creates a reality where it is impossible. Saying, “I don’t want to”, creates an opportunity to look at why you don’t want to do the thing and to see if the choice to not do it is appropriate for you. It is also usually much more honest.

Certainty- When I look at someone I see a physical, emotional, and mental system interacting to create an experience. What I have learned in my years of trying to help people enjoy their lives more is that when there is a fixed point, when something doesn’t move, there is a consequence. Everything has to organize around this fixed point.
When someone is certain about something, when they think they are right, it creates a fixed point. It usually has many consequences and becomes a part of the construction of the person’s reality. Frequently when people come to me for help in changing things in their lives I see their ideas about what is right are what is keeping them from what they want. Many times it feels my job is to help people let go of, or soften ideas of, what is right or wrong, or good or bad, or possible or impossible.
I’ve come to see how unpleasant it is to be around people who think they are right. There is a huge difference between, “It is like this”, and “Maybe it’s like this”. Maybe is much more fun and creates so much more possibility. I’ve heard Lao Tzu translated as saying, “Not knowing is the most intimate.” He probably really said, “Not knowing might be the most intimate.”

Comfortable- I love comfort and am enjoying quite a comfortable life at the moment. I also, though, frequently hear people use this word to mean familiar. Time and again when I am working with people they will say that they don’t do something because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Then when I get them to do it, they find it makes them feel excited, alive and joyous.
Most of us have a tendency to put safety and predictability above all other concerns and call this comfort. If we choose to stop allowing fear to control our behavior our lives become vibrant and exciting, and what we thought of as comfortable before feels thick and sluggish. So when you hear yourself use the word comfortable check and see if you are enjoying something or avoiding something.

Compassion- Compassion is a word I am careful with. I had a teacher who pointed out that most people included a feeling of superiority when they felt compassion. I look for this and I see it frequently. Ideally I see compassion as feeling empathy and acceptance simultaneously, but I don’t witness this very often. When people use the word compassion I frequently feel an undercurrent of either pity or pride or relief that they are more fortunate. This doesn’t feel very supportive.

Complaint- Complaint has a tendency to be both destructive and irresponsible. If you are living responsibly you realize that you are creating your experience. To complain is to be doing something while saying you don’t want to be doing it. Like you were slapping yourself in the face while saying, “I wish I would stop slapping myself in the face.”
Of even more concern though is the quality of the energy this creates. It feels dark and heavy to be around complaint. You might want to experiment with this. Choose to stop complaining or being around people complaining for some period of time and see how you feel.
Another aspect where it is irresponsible is often people use complaint to avoid what they are feeling. After complaining frequently the person complaining feels better because they have temporarily gotten it out of their system, while the people who listened feel worse. This is not very responsible behavior. It is much more responsible to look at what your part is in the situation you are complaining about and change it.

Compromise- With compromise there is almost always resentment. Even if you think you want the compromise, at a deeper unconscious level, there is usually anger, and this anger has a tendency to come out in unconscious behavior.
Some people believe relationship is about compromise. My experience is that relationships based on compromise are rarely happy relationships. Life without compromise is beyond most people’s imagination. My experience is that it is wonderful beyond what I used to be able to imagine.
I feel we can live in a world where everyone is always doing exactly what they want. It is the world I find most attractive to live in. The key to living without compromise is to also live without attachment.

Conditioning- I use conditioning as a catch all word for the process we go through after birth where we learn and are taught how to survive, how we are suppose to behave, and what is expected of us. It is a necessary process, and not a “bad” thing. It seems though most of us are supporting conditioning that suppresses rather than encourages our power, truth, and creativity.
It’s a complex process that takes place in many forms and on many levels. My working with people these years has become a study in the many ways we are conditioned as most of us are taught to be someone besides who we really are and this is the root of our unhappiness. It is beyond the scope of this piece to share what I have learned of how we are conditioned and how we can alter our conditioning, but this is at the core of what I do, both for others and myself. The key is to become conscious that you have been conditioned to believe certain things and behave certain ways, and to examine that conditioning to see if you really believe those things or want to behave those ways, or if there is some other way of being that is more authentic for you.

Consciousness- Consciousness is the key. Sometimes it seems that no matter what the question, or the problem, the answer is to be more conscious. But what does this mean?
When I first became interested in consciousness it seemed mysterious to me. It was a concept that I heard being talked about and didn’t really understand except that I was frequently told that I was not very conscious.
I have learned that consciousness is just paying attention. The practice of consciousness is the practice of paying attention. I experience it as a challenging practice, but also the most useful practice if you are interested in a wonderful life.
In my years of practicing being more conscious I have learned a few things I would like to share here to explain what consciousness means to me.
When I first began practicing consciousness I was very interested in expanding my consciousness, though I didn’t have a clear sense of what this meant. Now I see this is how much you are able to pay attention to simultaneously. And there is so much to pay attention to. So much is happening in any moment that it is easy to become overwhelmed. I find it exciting to practice relaxing into the immensity of what is happening instead of shutting down for fear of being overwhelmed.
As I continued my practice of consciousness I played with how deeply I could be conscious of something. If I focused on any specific thing there was depth after depth of realization available, and as I allowed these depths to unfold my relationship with the object of my attention would open and expand. This is another wonderful and exciting practice.
As my practice deepened and my relationship to my self opened and expanded, for I was frequently my subject of focus, I became much more accepting and loving of myself. I let go of goals such as “waking up” or becoming enlightened and simply began to enjoy life more the more conscious of it I became. I found the more I was able to really pay attention to what was happening the more in awe of everything I became. It is lovely to live in awe of life.
In accepting the limits of my consciousness in the moment, I saw that my choice of what to be conscious of had a very practical effect on how I experienced each moment. I recommend that people interested in practicing consciousness play with this. It seems to be one of the most useful places to practice.
I also highly recommend practicing on simple things. Paying attention to the words you are saying or what you are doing with your hands. I find these to be the easiest ways to a more conscious experience of reality.
When we are choosing what to be conscious of it is also very useful to focus on what is actually happening right now. If you notice your consciousness is on your thoughts about the past or future just choose to pay attention to what you are seeing or hearing or experiencing in the moment.
In trying to create practical help for people to enjoy their lives more the three most useful things I found were honesty, courage, and consciousness. When I first start working with people I encourage them to focus on honesty and courage. I find these things extremely useful. But ultimately it really seems to be about consciousness. It has become so clear to me how we are all creating our reality by the choices we make. I constantly see people creating realities they are not enjoying because they are not conscious of the choices that are creating the reality they are experiencing. What I am trying to do is help people consciously create the reality that brings them the greatest joy and allows them the deepest expression of who they are. Consciousness is the key.

Courage- I find courage to be one of the primary ingredients of a wonderful life. Most every major shift I see someone make is because of an act of courage. Sometimes people tell me they don’t have the courage to do something. Courage is a practice. It is not something that some people have and others don’t, or that you have a fixed amount of. The more you practice the better you get at it. Courage is not that you don’t have fear. Courage is making the choice to not allow fear to control your behavior. If you want to enjoy your life I suggest you make courage one of your primary practices.

Death- Even though most of us are not consciously aware of it, much of our behavior is motivated by fear of death. We seem to be so afraid of it we rarely even talk about it. It is a taboo subject in our culture.
If you want to have a full and wonderful life it seems extremely helpful to come into a comfortable relationship with death. So many people never really live because they are afraid of dying.

Desire- If you explore desire you will see that it usually is not about the desired object. It is a state of mind or a way of being. When one desire is fulfilled another one arises. Desire is the choice to be unhappy. Happiness is enjoying what is happening. Unhappiness is resisting what is happening. Desire is wanting something besides what is happening.
This said, I find desire a fertile place for exploration. This superficial layer of desire is frequently a manifestation of the choice to be unhappy. There is a deeper layer of desire that I find in many people that is buried in judgment and shame. I refer to these as our secret desires. Looking at these can be a useful step at reaching a deeper level of honesty within oneself.
As we continue to explore desire we often find that at some point desire and fear coincide. A key point in the juxtaposition between who we really are and who our conditioning tells us we are suppose to be is where we find that we fear our deeper desires and we desire much of what we fear.

Expectation- I see expectation coming from conditioning. I see expectation as the cause of stress. I see stress as the cause of much disease and unhappiness. I suggest we look at our structures of expectation and consider letting them go if we want to live healthy and happy lives.